Are you in a “but that won’t work” cycle?
I’ll be honest, sometimes I can feel really frustrated during a counseling session. Why you ask? It is almost always because a client is in a negative thought pattern and is having trouble seeing solutions. They spent the entire session saying things like
“That won’t work for me.”
“I can’t do that because…”
“I tried that once and it didn’t work.”
“I don’t think I could do that.”
Sound familiar? I think we’ve all been there at some point.
I’m frustrated that they are stuck in this kind of thinking and I want so badly to support them in getting out of it. Because it’s not a fun place to hang out. I also know that it’s happening for a few reasons.
Let’s explore how our mind gets into a negative thought pattern like this. First you are likely activated and stuck in fight-flight-freeze survival mode. When this happens, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and problem-solving) gets overridden by the amygdala (responsible for threat detection). This makes it hard to access big-picture thinking or hope.
Second, negativity bias takes over. The brain naturally focuses more on perceived threats than possibilities. When we are burned out or emotionally depleted, this bias becomes louder and leads us to believe that every solution is doomed to fail.
Finally we get into a reinforcement loop. Your brain likes to prove you right and when you say “that won’t work” repeatedly it actually strengthens the belief. The brain forms neural pathways based on repetition. The more we speak and think in absolutes, the more automatic those patterns become.
How do we break the pattern?
- Name the pattern – call it what it is: “this is a negative loop” or “my brian is stuck in fear mode.” You can even give it a name, mine is Judy. And when she shows up I will take the time to tell her outloud, “knock it off Judy.”
- Slow the Body Frist: Since the stress response often underlies this rigidity, begin with calming the body:
- Shake out your hands or body (helps reset the nervous system).
- Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6 (activates the parasympathetic system).
- Put your feet flat on the floor and notice 3 things you see, hear, and feel (grounding).
- Use “Yes, and…” instead of “But”: Each time the thought “but that won’t work” comes up, reframe it:
- Example: “Yes, that idea feels hard right now, and maybe I could try a smaller step.”
- This opens the door to creative thinking without denying current struggles.
- Ask a Disruptive Question: Introduce a different line of thinking with questions like:
- “What if I’m wrong about this?”
- “If someone else were in my shoes, what would I suggest to them?”
- “What’s one thing I haven’t tried yet?”
- Borrow Someone Else’s Brain: Talk it out with someone who is grounded and empathetic. When our brain can’t see options, another person can help expand the view and co-regulate the emotional experience.
- Find the Smallest Possible Step: Solutions feel impossible when they’re too big. Focus on one tiny action. Send one text, drink one glass of water, step outside for 2 minutes, touch a tree, do 30 seconds of fast feet or wiggle your whole body. Momentum begins small.
As a gentle reminder (one I tell myself when I feel the frustration building with myself or when with clients.)
The “that won’t work” mindset often isn’t about the actual solutions. It’s about protecting yourself from disappointment, failure, or further depletion. When you feel like you have nothing left to give, pushing hope away can feel safer than risking another letdown.
This mindset doesn’t mean we are weak or negative. It’s a signal that we need care, regulation, and a reconnection with inner safety before solutions can feel believable again.
What do you think what helps you get out of the “that won’t work” mindset?
